Unknown Photographer Discovers Secret About Pumpkins and Upsadaisium
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living." -Dr. Seuss
Dateline Seattle: October 25th - It was revealed to the world today that there exists a heretofore unknown relationship between the rare element Upsadaisium and the aromatic oils that naturally occur within the seed of a pumpkin. While this symbiosis was suspected as much as a year ago, it wasn't until earlier this week that an anonymous letter was published in The Stranger, a Seattle weekly newspaper, stating categorically the exact chemical reaction that take place when these two materials are brought together. It was reported that editors of The Stranger were immediately contacted by such agencies as the FBI, CIA, and NASA and subsequent information dissemination was mysteriously cutoff. Suspicious? Most Certainly. Conspiracy? Likely.
The tight seal that was placed over all information regarding this amazing discovery has forced this reporter to resort to rumor, hearsay, and vague innuendo (in fact, much of what I am about to relay to you, Gentle Reader, is based on what could be gleaned from the image you see before you - but be not fearful, this un-retouched photograph has been analyzed by a battery of scientists, experts, and college professors - each, without reservation, have unanimously vouched for both its authenticity and veracity). A reliable source has confirmed that this is indeed an image of the anonymous photographer who had made the connection between the almost unknown element, Upsadaisium (which, as I am sure you know, is right next to Unobtainium in the period table of the elements), and pumpkin seeds. It was really a stroke of luck to have captured this image at all since there was very little time to train our duck to carry the camera aloft to the subject.
It was determined this was the self-same photographer that, exactly one year ago (almost to the week), made an initial photograph of strange happenings at a local pumpkin patch. At the time, and after some consultation with the farmer and owner of this pumpkin field, this odd occurrence was thought to be just the random coincidence of some naturally occurring upsadaisium and the planted crop. It was hoped this would lead to the explanation of floating cucumbers and pomegranates that have enjoyed so much exposure in the press lately. Alas, that was not to be. But here is what we do know:
Mr. Anonymous does not believe in coincidence. After the events of last year, Mr. A began collecting pumpkin seeds. He purchased every pumpkin from this particular field that he could find and harvested every seed possible from those pumpkins. Then, using every scientific method at his disposal (and some that he really had no business being within shouting distance from), he began his study. Dissections, manipulations, weighings, titrations, rehydration, high temperature processing, and finally mastications - and after lunch, he began in earnest. But let us not bore with details - what was found will astound. Upsadaisium will only bond with seeds grown from pumpkins in this field - and no other. Soil analysis does show a very slight increase in the concentration of the rare element but certainly not of sufficient magnitude to allow anti-graviation to occur. In his own words:
"It is the ability of this cultivar of Cucurbita to concentrate the Upsadaisium year after year that tells the tale. And it has been just in the last couple of years that the level of the element has been sufficient to overcome earthly bonds. Last year, there was just enough to lift the pumpkin itself and now, well, as you can see, it is a lot more fun looking for Jack-o-lanterns - don't tell me, I'll tell you! Next year? who knows... as long as the farmer doesn't decide to switch to soybeans - all manner of applications could be found...."
Yes, dear reader, a lot to glean from a photograph you say? Well, with the right image, one can move the world...
I have to tell you one thing - I had these two pumpkins up in the bedroom, one is on the floor and the other is up on a stool, and I am jumping back and forth balancing on these things as I work the 10 sec delay on my camera and trying to look like I'm having the time of my life and my wife walks in.... apparently she'd been watching this performance for a while and she just smiles at me, doesn't say a word, turns around and walks back downstairs.... hmmm...